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My life will never be the same again It started off easily enough; my wife and my mother had a disagreement over something so trivial I cannot readily recall it today. However, it was pretty serious at the time. My poor wife was stressed out trying to understand why it was she could not make my mother see sense, and my poor mother was stressed out trying to understand why was it that she could not make my wife see sense. As the supportive husband and the filial son, I was caught in the cross-fire and, sadly, did not have any readily available solution. Enter Sr Liz Tham: friend, confidante, and faculty member of the William Glasser Institute who, over a fish-head curry dinner, availed herself to my wife's distress (I think the appropriate technical term is "counselling"). After hearing my poor wife out, Sr Liz asked her a series of questions which should be familiar to those of you who know CT-speak: "What do you want?", "What will you accomplish if and when you get what you want?" These, and a number of other like questions (and my wife's answers to the questions) gave us some very insightful glimpses into what was causing the disconnect between the two dearest women in my life after my daughter; namely: 1. Our happiness (or unhappiness) depends very much on the quality of the relationships we have with the people near and dear to us. The better the relationships, the happier we are likely to be; the more strained the relationships, the less at ease we are likely to be. 2. We can never ever change another person (his views, his beliefs, his feelings, his actions etc). No amount of logic, cajoling, entreaty, or threat will change a person who does not wish to be changed. The only person we can ever change is ourselves (and that includes our reaction to the behaviour of the person we are hoping to change). 3. We are all reacting to each other. However, we always have the choice (hence the name "Choice Theory" [CT]) whether or not to act (or react) in any given manner. We can always choose to behave in a given manner and not to behave in a given manner. Our choices in this regard are driven very much by what we hold dear to us ("Quality World" to those of you who know CT-speak). My wife (and I) came to realise that no amount of logic or argument was going to make my mother see things the way my wife saw it. We also realised that no one was going to be happy if both parties simply dug in their heels and held their positions and beliefs. We worked out what was really important to my wife (her "Wants and Needs" in CT-speak) and she then had to make a decision, namely: What would she be prepared to do in order to get what she wanted? My wife made a commitment to bridge the gap with my mother and they are, today, the best of friends (much to my relief). This encounter with Choice Theory and Reality Therapy [RT] gave me much food for thought (more than the fish head curry). What if the same process was applied to workers and employees: would they not then be motivated to give their best to the jobs they were doing? What about spouses: would marital bliss not be enhanced if we were able to behave towards each other in a manner that holds the relationship sacrosanct? And children: can there be a better way to motivate them to study and to bring out the best in their behaviour? I saw a lot of potential in the application of Choice Theory to daily living. One thing led to another and, before I knew it, I had signed up for a Basic Course in Choice Theory and Reality Therapy in August 2002. I am now on the way to completing my Basic practicum and looking forward to my Advanced Week and, in the meantime, have recommended CT/ RT and the CT course to more friends than I can remember, telling them that it's the best $300 they will spend in a very long time. Choice Theory is so much more than a technique that a counsellor can pull out of his bag of tricks; it is a way of life. You can breathe, eat, and sleep Choice. And I know of no alternative that is as fulfilling and as rewarding. By: Leonard Ong |
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Note: Information on training in Choice Theory and Reality Therapy facilitated by Sr Elizabeth Tham is available through the Association for Reality Therapy (email: ctrtsingapore@yahoo.com.sg) |
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