Follow The Whisper

Sr. He Fenfang, FSP

     I am the eldest and my father's favorite among his five children. I grew up in China, a communist country. My grandparents were Buddhists; my father is a communist. I am a converted Catholic. It was very hard for us to understand eternal life, resurrection, and the like, but human ignorance did not stop the Divine plan for me.

     At the age of fourteen, out of curiosity, I went with my classmates to attend catechism classes during a summer break, without the knowledge of my parents. Soon after, I desired to become a Catholic. After encountering so many difficulties, my parents finally allowed me to be baptized. My only purpose at that time was to go to heaven and be a saint.

     A few years later, my faith was challenged because of communist education and the study of science. My faith was like passing through a long winter. I knew very little about Christ's teaching because I did not have a Bible. But God, through His invisible hand, led me to Singapore at the age of eighteen. There, my faith grew stronger. It was as if it is springtime again. During my first Christmas in Singapore, I bought a Chinese Bible as a gift for myself.

     Having a Bible in hand, I came to a deeper understanding of our Triune God. The beauty and richness of the Word made me proud to be a child of God. As my encounter with the Word of God deepened, I realized that God has made me for Himself out of His infinite love. How foolish have I been, wandering on the crossroad, waiting and looking for the "arrow" of love. How slow was I to understand that God has always been there, loving me.

     One day, as I was meditating on the Scripture, from the depth of my heart came a still small voice, "As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you. Live on in my love." It was a beautiful invitation, but I paid no attention to it. I was busy as usual with many things. Days passed but God's love was still pursuing me. That whisper remained clear in my heart while I struggled to ignore it. Finally, I prayed. And found myself surrenderring to His love. From the depth of my heart came my simple but sincere reply, "yes..." Thereafter, I experienced a profound peace in my soul.

     My desire then was to abide in Jesus' love, the Fountain of Life so as to be constantly quenched and nourished by this Divine Love, and never have to thirst again. At the same time, I have the desire to become water for others who are thirsty, sharing with them what I have received. I dreamed of becoming God's full-time messenger of the Good News, making known His love to the world.

     So how did I come to know and enter the Daughters of St. Paul? It was my godmother who showed me its brochure. The first time I heard and understood its name to be refering to the daughters of St.Paul, the apostle of Jesus Christ, I did not even like it at all. My ideal is to be a daughter of God, never in the world a daughter of anyone else. My godmother laughed and explained to me the work of these Daughters of St. Paul, "They serve God with the mass media of communication, which are the press, audiovisuals, television, Internet and so on. What a wonderful way to spread the Good News! If St. Paul lives today, he would do the same." After giving it a deeper thought, I decided to become one of them.

     My journey of becoming a Sister had not been an easy one. I have worked for nine years in Singapore before entering the convent. I had everything I needed: a good job, much time and opportunity to travel. I went home to China every year for vacation. When I told my family of my desire to become a nun, nobody understood me and supported me, neither my family nor my friends. It had also made my poor papa suffer. My friends left me one after another. They were free thinkers who do not believe that God exists. Becoming a nun was a crazy choice for them.

     I had a boy classmate who loves me very much. We were good friends since secondary school and I believed we could be happy companions for life. In his mind, I was to be his future wife. When I told him I wanted to be a nun, he cried. I struggled and prayed as I made my choice in tears. My boyfriend waited patiently until the day I made my religious profession. Only until then was he convinced of my vocation.

     I was sent to the US for my formation. I did not know English then. It was difficult to learn English. Many times I was tempted to give up, but the love of the Sisters kept me going. I am grateful particularly to two Sisters who have lovingly accompanied me through those years. Although I was the only Chinese Sister in the community, I always felt at home.

     During those years, it was Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament from whom I drew my strength. From being a very independent girl, I learned to obey. I learned to give up many things: lifestyle, job and good friends. In a certain sense, I gave up my family too. I don't go home as often as I did before. It is no longer every year but once in three years. This is a big sacrifice for them, too.

     On January 24, 1999 I made my first profession in Singapore, where I remained to serve for two years. Through sharing the joys and sufferings of the people I served, I found myself learning even more from them. They are angels in my spiritual journey. We are all pilgrims on the journey of life. Many are still searching for its meaning. I want to give them Jesus because He is the MEANING for which we are searching.

At the time this e-book is being produced, Sr. Fenfang is serving in Rome, at the same time preparing herself to say her final "YES" to the Lord. Ed.

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